Some time away.

I'm probably one of the most overly-passive, non-boundary setting person I've ever met in my life. I feel like once I get to know someone, I can show my true, for lack of a better word, bitchiness, but until then I'm constantly worrying about how people will view me. Do they like me? Am I annoying them? Do they think, oohh this girl is so ugly why am I even talking to her?

WHY can't I have a slight ounce of self esteem? It's so frustrating. And to think....I've lost 80 lbs! AND STILL NOTHING!

Me before:

Me 80 lbs lighter:

And I STILL see no difference. What's wrong with me???

Need to vent.

It's killing me he's talking to someone new. It hurts, it stings, it's making me irritable. I'm angry, sad, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's different when it's something you can control...but you can't control this and most importantly, you can't control other people's hearts.

I got my flippie floppies.

Has anyone ever noticed how one artist can make everything better?

Dixie Chicks seem to do that for me. <333

Since I've been in NC for the past 4 days, I'm hooked on country again. OH LAWDY!




So the 5 Dollar Footlong commercials for Subway were fun and catchy the first 320985039850329860983094832 times I saw it, but now its GETTING OLD. CUT IT SUBWAY!

My conclusion on "my type".

I've decided I'm not a shallow person at all, and I don't really judge people on their looks whether I want to get to know them platonically or romantically. But I think everyone has a "type" that they are slightly more attracted to then other people. I've decided what mine is.

I really like guys who are passionate about something. It could be school, astronomy, music...heck, it  could even be their pet dog. Just as long as they are passionate about something.

Also, I love guys that can keep up with me intellectually. I love a guy with a good head on his shoulder...someone who uses their brain and isn't afraid to be themselves about it.

A sense of humor is a must. Ability to get my sarcasm is great.

Basically, the over-looked boy next door is my type. The average joe that sticks out to me and knows how to treat a woman with respect. I suppose you can say I'm very attracted to dorks and nerds. But hey, we all have our own tastes, right?

Now where are you, my funny dork!?

I love him. :-(

You know what hurts more than anything?

Not being able to have the person you love. I wonder if I'll look back and think I was so dumb for feeling like I loved him...but he's perfect....perfect for me, at least. I love everything about him. And I try to not use the word "love" lightly because you can wear it out like that. But I've never wanted someone so much in my life. He's the coolest, funniest, most fun, smartest, most interesting person I've ever met. Literally. We've hooked up a couple of times, because I can't control my feelings around him...I want him emotionally and physically all the time.

Heart ache really does hurt...and anyone who's been through it, knows what I mean. What do I do? I can't keep longing for him the rest of my life. I need some guideness, because I'm so lost...
  • Current Music
    The Used- Smother Me


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 97... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.



Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.



Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behind. The race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.



Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.



Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

A serious entry about serious feelings.

I've always been a very emotional person.

I remember when I was a kid, my dad took me to see The Lion King and I ran out of the theater crying because I was so sad that Simba's dad died.

So, needless to say, when it comes to love, I fall hard.

I can't help but emotionally invest myself into someone I like. I fall hard and expect the same from that person...but never get that in return. I don't exactly know what I'm doing wrong, but I haven't got it right. I haven't gotten the love thing down yet. I'd like to think it isn't me, but it keeps happening repeatedly, so what else am I supposed to think?

I'm tired of getting my heart broken and let down. I'm tired of putting myself out there and getting nothing back in return. And you know what? it hurts. It hurts to feel so strongly about someone and have them not feel the same. It hurts to know no matter what you do or how hard you try, that person will never feel the same you do.

Time heals everything, I know. But I'm sick of feeling miserable. I want the feelings I feel for him to be out of my life right now. I don't want to wait a month just to be able to hear his name and not get butterflies in my stomach.
And worse, when I make progress with letting him go, he comes back. We start talking again. And then I'm back at square one.

I guess the question is, how does someone give up something they love and want so much? How do they reverse and avoid feelings that hurt?

My heart has many scars. The initial cut is the worst. But then it keeps getting opened once it's almost healed. And it has to heal all over again. It seems almost impossible to let the cut scar easily. But then is never easy.
  • Current Music
    Alexz Johnson- Skips

David Cook is AMAZING.

My hubby, David Cook, wrote this song for his brother dying of cancer. It's beautiful and makes me cry every time I hear it...

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won’t go away today
Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?

And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary
rest your head
I’m permanent

I know he’s living in hell every single day

And so I ask oh God is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say it’s all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you’re all alone
when no one’s there to hold your hand?

When all you know seems so far away
and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I’m permanent
I’m permanent